Happy New Year.
This is my first piece of thoughts I forced myself to write down in 2026, after a heartbreak that makes my days so bleaked I could die. But I'm not going to die because of a failed relationship. I promise.
Listening to: A playlist I made called i'm crashing out on Spotify where I currated all of the songs that mean a lot to me, all of them are ballads, and have sad lyrics explaining my exact situation. This is my crashout playlist. I'm so proud of it. Lots of sad music, like Promise by Laufey, Staying by Lizzie McAlpine, Die On This Hill by Sienna Spiro, High Hopes by Kodaline, Nobody Gets Me by SZA, Backburner by NIKI, oh damn.
I’ll always be in your corner 'cause I don’t feel alive ‘til I’m burning on your backburner.
Kill me now seriously.
Watching: I don't really watch movies these past few days, just tuning into this Canadian series called Heated Rivalry and pretend I understand one or two things about hockey like some American.
Loving: This dessert I ordered from this bakehouse. Cookie Bomb Ice Cream. Would order this again when I go back here. Their iced coffee is good too.
Reading: I will start picking up the books that are being left unread on my shelf.
Have been thinking to: How hard it is to walk away from someone you love so dearly and walk away from a relationship that gives you many good memories. We were okay two weeks ago, we had a huge fight on Thursday but we were okay the next day, I mean he acted okay, even when I know I fucked up that day. But that's not entirely my fault, he didn't inform me anything about his days, even when he was having days off, and he's been going to other city applying for a job without me knowing. I just wished him to involve me in every decision he made in his life. I don't want him to tell me when he already did it. I just want to feel involved and informed. We were okay, somehow, after the big fight, then we had a call on Sunday morning. Later that day, I asked him when I can see him, and he told me that he needed some space for a month or so. I was taken aback by that sudden request, I should have been angry that he did it through texts, but I was too confused. I agreed to it, wishing him peaceful days and that I'm going to leave him alone, no worries. Even when it hurts me, because I'm craving for connection, and phone calls are how it's being fed.
One week later, December 27th 2025 to be exact, he texted me again just to tell me that he can't continue having a relationship with me, saying sorry that he made this decision and telling me that he doesn't think this relationship is good for both us. Funny, because he's good for me, but I don't think I'm good for him. I couldn't speak, I couldn't answer, it's like there's a lightning striking me down so hard I could barely breathe. Is this real? I kept reading his texts over and over again and trying to find words to say.
I turn into self-blaming. If I had been perfectly patient, if I had never asked for reassurance, and if I had understood him flawlessly… Would the ending still be the same? Because self-blaming is easier to do rather than accepting the fact that I can't fix this problem. He walks away because he cannot carry love and life at the same time, he doesn't have capacity to carry a relationship with weights on his shoulders. Life has been cruel, a lot of people depend on him, he has a lot at stake, he has so many things on his plate.
Like what he told me; I love you and I want to stay with you and face everything together, but still we are so far apart which makes it even harder. I was dreaming and planning to meet you, but in reality I can't, I'm still struggling with many things especially money. And my family needs me a lot. And to be honest you are a bit demanding, that's normal but for me it's difficult to come home and see another message from you saying that you are upset and I don't even know what I did.
I'm demanding, he said. It's unfair because I demand his time and consistency, not money, not any other materials.
So, this is what happened. Emotional burnout/hardships --> incapacity of engaged in any emotional relationship --> emotionally unavailable/shut down emotionally. When you are emotionally shutting down yourself, you will see emotional needs as burdens, as more responsibilities to keep, even when the needs are normal. Needs for connection, consistency, time. He cannot give it to me, so he gets rid of me because it's the easiest way to do, even when it hurts me. He's dealing with a lot of problems in his life and wasn't emotionally able to continue the relationship without hurting me in the way.
I know life hasn't been kind to him, I know he's been carrying more than he ever showed to me. And I truly hope life becomes softer and nicer to him, that he would go through all his battles at ease, that he would find peace, and that his days would feel lighter. I just want to thank him for loving me when he could and thank him for accepting parts of me I was afraid to show to people. What we had was real, and I'll always be grateful for it. I'm so sorry for the moments I didn't understand him well enough, for the times I might have added weight when he was already exhausted mentally and physically. That was never my intention. I only want to stay, to support him, to be by his side through thick and thin. I hope he reaches the life he's fighting for. I hope he feels proud of himself one day and realizes how strong he is.
I cried every two hours because walking away from something so beautiful is just so difficult for me. Imagine going from talking about everything everyday with him to having none at all. It hurts that I cannot tell him about what's been happening in my life anymore. It hurts to know that I cannot listen to him talk about his niche interests for hours. I miss listening to him talking, I miss his laugh, I miss his concentrating face when he's studying, I miss seeing him cooking rice with eggs everytime he goes home from work, I miss playing PUBG together with him, I miss seeing him making fun of my height everytime he could, I miss him so much and it hurts me.
I kept texting him for the first few days after we broke up, hoping that he would take back his decision and come back to me once more. Because I could do better, I'll try. It's new year, I tried so hard not to text him, but I failed. I sent him texts, wishing him good things ahead in 2026 and telling him that I would be here for him if he ever needs me. He just reacted to it with a red love emoji and said nothing. He left me on read.
I felt my entire body shook so hard, it hurts so much, it feels so humiliating. I spent that day crying myself to sleep and went into self-hate mode.
I keep sending him texts hoping that he would keep replying and I was looking for crumbs to get a connection. But he's done. That red love emoji reaction? That wasn't affection. That was convenience. He did not reply because there was nothing he needed to say, I already did all the emotional labor for him. I sent him long paragraphs everyday and he just replied coldly. He's just trying to be polite. To be honest, he probably wants to say "Fuck off," to me but he holds back because he knows I'm sensitive as fuck. I need to stop sending him unnecessary messages, because that's so embarrassing. That looks pathetic. I look pathetic. I'm too desperate. Downright humiliating.
I'm literally begging for him to see me, to tell him that I'm still here. But the thing is, I'm just standing in front of a closed door, banging, knocking on it, desperately trying to make him hear me say, "Hey I'm here," and it's useless. Why would he come back to me? He doesn't need me anymore. It's probably difficult for him to say no to me, he's probably just being kind to me by sending audio notes or by replying with short texts. His answers should have been the wake up call for me, but I'm too far gone to care, too stubborn to listen. I still love him and miss him so much but it looks like I'm screaming into the void, and it's falling into deaf ears.
Going into self-hate mode is easy. Maybe he broke up with me not because he got so much responsibility, it's because I'm too difficult to handle, like what he said, "You are demanding!" and not everybody could stand having a relationship with someone who is clingy and demanding like me. And I am ugly, always insecure, he's just so tired with me. He's too good for me, too smart, too understanding, too perfect. A worthless person like me is undeserving of the love from someone so beautiful like him. I'm just putting more weights into his life. I have to accept the fact that he's better off without me, without sackles on his feet that make him drown. I need to set him free.
As my final act of love, I will let him go.
Letting him go is not easy, but I wish him nothing but healing, strength, and a life that treats him gently. I love him so much.
Anticipating to: My bestfriend and I met two days ago, you know, just once in awhile meeting to talk about how we're doing in life. Turns out, she's planning to pursue a master degree in the university I'm also planning to get into, with different major of course. But that feels nice, to have someone having the same exact goal in mind. We will plan to study together to pursue a master degree through scholarship. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. This is not going to be easy, but I will try my best to achieve it. Insya Allah. And I'm going to improve myself, improve my confidence, start reading more books. I need to change to be a better person, and leave everything that hurts me behind.
