Update 260102

Happy New Year. 

This is my first piece of thoughts I forced myself to write down in 2026, after a heartbreak that makes my days so bleaked I could die. But I'm not going to die because of a failed relationship. I promise.

Listening to: A playlist I made called i'm crashing out on Spotify where I currated all of the songs that mean a lot to me, all of them are ballads, and have sad lyrics explaining my exact situation. This is my crashout playlist. I'm so proud of it. Lots of sad music, like Promise by Laufey, Staying by Lizzie McAlpine, Die On This Hill by Sienna Spiro, High Hopes by Kodaline, Nobody Gets Me by SZA, Backburner by NIKI, oh damn.

I’ll always be in your corner 'cause I don’t feel alive ‘til I’m burning on your backburner.

Kill me now seriously. 

Watching: I don't really watch movies these past few days, just tuning into this Canadian series called Heated Rivalry and pretend I understand one or two things about hockey like some American. 

Loving: This dessert I ordered from this bakehouse. Cookie Bomb Ice Cream. Would order this again when I go back here. Their iced coffee is good too.

Reading: I will start picking up the books that are being left unread on my shelf. 

Have been thinking to: How hard it is to walk away from someone you love so dearly and walk away from a relationship that gives you many good memories. We were okay two weeks ago, we had a huge fight on Thursday but we were okay the next day, I mean he acted okay, even when I know I fucked up that day. But that's not entirely my fault, he didn't inform me anything about his days, even when he was having days off, and he's been going to other city applying for a job without me knowing. I just wished him to involve me in every decision he made in his life. I don't want him to tell me when he already did it. I just want to feel involved and informed. We were okay, somehow, after the big fight, then we had a call on Sunday morning. Later that day, I asked him when I can see him, and he told me that he needed some space for a month or so. I was taken aback by that sudden request, I should have been angry that he did it through texts, but I was too confused. I agreed to it, wishing him peaceful days and that I'm going to leave him alone, no worries. Even when it hurts me, because I'm craving for connection, and phone calls are how it's being fed. 

One week later, December 27th 2025 to be exact, he texted me again just to tell me that he can't continue having a relationship with me, saying sorry that he made this decision and telling me that he doesn't think this relationship is good for both us. Funny, because he's good for me, but I don't think I'm good for him. I couldn't speak, I couldn't answer, it's like there's a lightning striking me down so hard I could barely breathe. Is this real? I kept reading his texts over and over again and trying to find words to say. 

I turn into self-blaming. If I had been perfectly patient, if I had never asked for reassurance, and if I had understood him flawlessly… Would the ending still be the same? Because self-blaming is easier to do rather than accepting the fact that I can't fix this problem. He walks away because he cannot carry love and life at the same time, he doesn't have capacity to carry a relationship with weights on his shoulders. Life has been cruel, a lot of people depend on him, he has a lot at stake, he has so many things on his plate. 

Like what he told me; I love you and I want to stay with you and face everything together, but still we are so far apart which makes it even harder. I was dreaming and planning to meet you, but in reality I can't, I'm still struggling with many things especially money. And my family needs me a lot. And to be honest you are a bit demanding, that's normal but for me it's difficult to come home and see another message from you saying that you are upset and I don't even know what I did.

I'm demanding, he said. It's unfair because I demand his time and consistency, not money, not any other materials. 

So, this is what happened. Emotional burnout/hardships --> incapacity of engaged in any emotional relationship --> emotionally unavailable/shut down emotionally. When you are emotionally shutting down yourself, you will see emotional needs as burdens, as more responsibilities to keep, even when the needs are normal. Needs for connection, consistency, time. He cannot give it to me, so he gets rid of me because it's the easiest way to do, even when it hurts me. He's dealing with a lot of problems in his life and wasn't emotionally able to continue the relationship without hurting me in the way.

I know life hasn't been kind to him, I know he's been carrying more than he ever showed to me. And I truly hope life becomes softer and nicer to him, that he would go through all his battles at ease, that he would find peace, and that his days would feel lighter. I just want to thank him for loving me when he could and thank him for accepting parts of me I was afraid to show to people. What we had was real, and I'll always be grateful for it. I'm so sorry for the moments I didn't understand him well enough, for the times I might have added weight when he was already exhausted mentally and physically. That was never my intention. I only want to stay, to support him, to be by his side through thick and thin. I hope he reaches the life he's fighting for. I hope he feels proud of himself one day and realizes how strong he is.

I cried every two hours because walking away from something so beautiful is just so difficult for me. Imagine going from talking about everything everyday with him to having none at all. It hurts that I cannot tell him about what's been happening in my life anymore. It hurts to know that I cannot listen to him talk about his niche interests for hours. I miss listening to him talking, I miss his laugh, I miss his concentrating face when he's studying, I miss seeing him cooking rice with eggs everytime he goes home from work, I miss playing PUBG together with him, I miss seeing him making fun of my height everytime he could, I miss him so much and it hurts me. 

I kept texting him for the first few days after we broke up, hoping that he would take back his decision and come back to me once more. Because I could do better, I'll try. It's new year, I tried so hard not to text him, but I failed. I sent him texts, wishing him good things ahead in 2026 and telling him that I would be here for him if he ever needs me. He just reacted to it with a red love emoji and said nothing. He left me on read.

I felt my entire body shook so hard, it hurts so much, it feels so humiliating. I spent that day crying myself to sleep and went into self-hate mode. 

I keep sending him texts hoping that he would keep replying and I was looking for crumbs to get a connection. But he's done. That red love emoji reaction? That wasn't affection. That was convenience. He did not reply because there was nothing he needed to say, I already did all the emotional labor for him. I sent him long paragraphs everyday and he just replied coldly. He's just trying to be polite. To be honest, he probably wants to say "Fuck off," to me but he holds back because he knows I'm sensitive as fuck. I need to stop sending him unnecessary messages, because that's so embarrassing. That looks pathetic. I look pathetic. I'm too desperate. Downright humiliating.

I'm literally begging for him to see me, to tell him that I'm still here. But the thing is, I'm just standing in front of a closed door, banging, knocking on it, desperately trying to make him hear me say, "Hey I'm here," and it's useless. Why would he come back to me? He doesn't need me anymore. It's probably difficult for him to say no to me, he's probably just being kind to me by sending audio notes or by replying with short texts. His answers should have been the wake up call for me, but I'm too far gone to care, too stubborn to listen. I still love him and miss him so much but it looks like I'm screaming into the void, and it's falling into deaf ears.

Going into self-hate mode is easy. Maybe he broke up with me not because he got so much responsibility, it's because I'm too difficult to handle, like what he said, "You are demanding!" and not everybody could stand having a relationship with someone who is clingy and demanding like me. And I am ugly, always insecure, he's just so tired with me. He's too good for me, too smart, too understanding, too perfect. A worthless person like me is undeserving of the love from someone so beautiful like him. I'm just putting more weights into his life. I have to accept the fact that he's better off without me, without sackles on his feet that make him drown. I need to set him free.

As my final act of love, I will let him go.

Letting him go is not easy, but I wish him nothing but healing, strength, and a life that treats him gently. I love him so much.

Anticipating to: My bestfriend and I met two days ago, you know, just once in awhile meeting to talk about how we're doing in life. Turns out, she's planning to pursue a master degree in the university I'm also planning to get into, with different major of course. But that feels nice, to have someone having the same exact goal in mind. We will plan to study together to pursue a master degree through scholarship. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. This is not going to be easy, but I will try my best to achieve it. Insya Allah. And I'm going to improve myself, improve my confidence, start reading more books. I need to change to be a better person, and leave everything that hurts me behind.

Update 251107

Here we go again.

Listening to: Lately, I've been listening to music from women artists like Sabrina Carpenter, Taylor Swift, and LAUFEY.. Oh my God.. Laufey be writing songs that hurt and pierce my heart to the fullest. Lyrical genius, I somehow relate to them a lot. My favourite ones are Sugar Talking, We Almost Broke Up Again Last Night, and Never Getting Laid. Sabrina Carpenter's Man's Best Friend is apparently a 9/10 album, featuring her signature wit and storytelling song lyrics to examine the frustrations and humor of her relationships with men that got manchild personality. But somehow she can't escape them, she needs their affection, sees relationships as some transactional deal. When he's a nuisance but he's good in everything else. I love him and hate him at the same time. We exist. BUT LAUFEY IS DIFFERENT. I've been repeating Sabotage, Let You Break My Heart Again, Promise, and Too Little, Too Late non stop for the last few weeks because the lyrics resonate with me. I think she made Sabotage special for me. I think she somehow has this trait like me where we fear of pain. Self-destruction in love is real. The way we sometimes ruin good things because of our own fear of vulnerability or heartbreak. Insecurity and past pain can make us question whether we deserve love, leading us to break our own hearts before anyone else can because a good relationship is good to be true. It might go downhill in anytime, I just can't prove it. That's why Laufey calls it as a self-sabotage, we ruin it ourselves because it's too good to be true. 

Watching: I've been watching a lot of horror Indonesian movies on Netflix with my coworkers everyday at lunch. It's becoming our routine now. I can conclude that some local horror movies are fantastic, but most of them are just there for no reason with bad editing and bad storyline. The best ones I saw this year are Sorop (2024), Munkar (2024), and Jurnal Risa (2024). For foreign movies, my favourites so far are The Ugly Stepsister (2025) and Presence (2024). Long life unsettling kinda movies, you rock my world! 

Loving: The way his eyelashes look like from down below, like when you put your camera a little bit low from your sighting area. They're beautiful. He's very beautiful.

Reading: I've bought a lot of books and tried to read this book called Madonna in a Fur Coat by Sabahattin Ali, an author from Turkey. I also tried to start reading this book called Seporsi Mie Ayam Sebelum Mati by Brian Khrisna, an author from Indonesia. Too bad I'm a procrastinator that does everything except reading so I have difficulty in finishing these books. I got 10+ books laying on my table, waiting to be finished. I'm going to scream.

Have been thinking to: How draining a long-distance relationship can be. I wake up at 4 am just to wait for his call, staying awake and hoping we'll talk the way we used to. In the beginning, those calls lasted an hour, and even though it was exhausting, it felt worth it because I felt loved and connected. Now, things are different. The calls have shrunk into quick five-minute check-ins, usually ending with him too tired to talk and ready to sleep. I understand he's exhausted after work, but for me, those short conversations leave me feeling empty instead of reassured. It feels like my effort like, sacrificing sleep, is no longer matched by his effort. As an overthinker with anxious attachment, this shift hits me hard. I replay the short calls in my head, wondering if he still values them the way I do, or if calling me just isn't as important to him anymore. I can't help but compare the present to the past, and the difference makes me feel like I'm quietly bending down, suppressing my own emotional needs just to keep things going. He used to hit me up with sweet messages like "Are you awake?", or "Can I call you?", or "Can I see you?" and now it's just a sounded-cold text like, "Call if you're awake," and this tiny detail makes me upset. I keep asking myself if love should feel this way...so draining, so one-sided. A relationship is supposed to give comfort and strength, not constant exhaustion and self-doubt. I know silence won't solve anything, but sometimes I feel like if I speak up, I'll only sound needy or demanding. And so I stay quiet, even though the truth is that five-minute calls aren't enough for me. I miss feeling close. I miss the longer talks where I felt like we were really together, despite the miles between us. More than anything, I miss the version of us that made me believe all the effort was worth it.

And lately, I've noticed how something as natural as expressing my feelings has begun to feel like walking on thin ice. Every time I open up about what hurts or confuses me, it somehow ends in tension, he reacts with anger, annoyance, and the same familiar ache of regret afterwards. It happened again this week. All I wanted was to share how I felt about something simple: wanting him to call me after work. It wasn't a demand; it was a small wish for closeness, a reassurance that he wants to hear my voice. I want him to call me after work because he actually wants to see me, not because I want him to call me. But when I said it, he got angry. He said, "You really got me angry right now," and this line echoed in my head longer than I'd like to admit. I don't know why he got so angry after I was voicing out my feelings, it's like my feelings don't matter. I ended up telling him I'm sorry and I spent the whole day and night crying, even when I was at work. I wept quietly and no one noticed.

The truth is, I was scared. Not of him, exactly, but of that feeling of being punished for being honest. I hate that my body tenses up when I sense his irritation, that I start calculating what is safe to say and what might upset him. It's exhausting to shrink my voice just to keep the peace. The next day, I couldn't bring myself to talk much. He called, asked if I was okay, and I told him I wasn't ready to talk yet, the last conversation still hurts me. That "You really got me angry right now," sentence still hurts me. He said it shouldn't be complicated, that I misunderstood, that his "Call if you’re still awake" text was just a normal message. But it's not about that one text. It's about the pattern: how quickly my feelings are dismissed as overreactions, how easily he gets angry instead of curious, he doesn't even try to understand why I felt that way. When I stayed silent, he said, "If you’re not going to talk, I’m hanging up." and I told him maybe it's better that way because if we kept talking, we'd just hurt each other. He hung up. Literally.

And then, a few hours later, he called again. We talked as if nothing had happened. No apology, no explanation. Just normal conversation, the same rhythm, the same small talk, the same gentle tone that makes me question whether the pain was even real. It's confusing, the way things can return to 'normal' so easily, yet leave something cracked beneath the surface. Now, I still message him. We still say "Good morning," "Study well," "Have a good day," but something in me has gone quiet. Not cold, just careful. I'm still here, still caring, but more from a distance. A soft distance. Maybe this is what emotional self-protection looks like, staying connected, but guarding the parts of myself that keep getting hurt. Maybe it's about learning that peace sometimes means less conversation, fewer explanations, and more silence that's chosen, not forced. I'm trying to learn how to stay connected without holding on too tightly.

It's a strange balance, really. Wanting to keep someone close while also needing to breathe. I still care, deeply, but I've started to care from a softer distance. It's not about pulling away out of anger or pride; it's about peace. About choosing quiet connection over constant reaching. For a long time, I think I carried both sides of this relationship. I was the one who explained, softened, reached out, tried to understand, tried to fix. I filled the silence before it got heavy, mended the distance before it turned cold. But now… I've stopped rushing in to close the space. And suddenly, I can feel how much of it was mine to fill. There’s a distance between us. It's not loud, not dramatic. Just a quiet gap where words used to live. It's the kind of distance that happens when one person stops overreaching and waits to see if the other will step closer. I don't blame him. I think we both needed the air. I still miss him, though. Not in the desperate way I used to, but in a gentler, almost grateful way. 

I don't know what will happen next. I just know I can't keep walking on eggshells. I want to love in a way that doesn't make me scared of my own voice. And until that feels possible again, I'll love quietly...from a little farther away.

Anticipating to: My friend suddenly proposed this idea of travelling to Ranu Kumbolo and Karimun Jawa in 2026 and it has to be fulfilled in 2026, no excuses. We're planning to save money starting next year and I hope this plan will ensue. Let's just see. There are a lot of places I want to visit but so little time and so little money lmao.

I'm Wearing My Heart on My Sleeve Today

 “Be his peace and shut the fuck up.”

…is the sentence that keeps replaying on my head over and over again. And it makes me go crazy. And I can’t shut it down.

I’ve been holding this weight in silence. So subtle at first that I didn’t even realize how heavy it had become. I thought I was doing the right thing, the loving thing. I thought being the calm in his storm was what love looked like.

Okay, long story short, I’m getting in a relationship with someone who lives so far away from me so you can say that we’re in a long distance relationship. So many ups and downs, we fought, we had arguments, we made up, the cycle continues.

I kept hearing this phrase everywhere: “Be his peace.” At first, it made sense to me. Life is hard. People are tired. Love should feel safe and soft, not stressful. He got a lot of problems to solve, he’s busy, he has so many goals to achieve. So I decided to be that person for him; his safe space, his comfort, his peace. Someone who he can go back to when life is becoming too much. Someone who can lessen the heavy weight out of his chest. I want to be his peace, when he’s losing his mind. I want him to say, I need her.

But I think I suck at this. I think I add more burdens into his life.

Every time I felt his energy change, even slightly, even just over text, I found myself shrinking. I don’t know if this can be called as a positive thing to be able to notice a slight energy change from someone. I notice and I’m becoming very upset. I started replaying our conversations over and over in my head, wondering if I had said too much, asked too much, been too much, or demanded too much. I blamed myself too much, too. I felt guilty for needing more time, more attention, more presence, and I hate being an overthinker who’s anxious all the time and this eats me up and I’m mentally exhausted. But I still can’t stop thinking about it.

Most of the time, I think maybe I’m the problem. Maybe I talk too much. Maybe I should just be quiet and give him space. He got so many things on his plate, he can’t possibly have another one on top of it. I convinced myself I was protecting our love by keeping my needs small. By staying quiet when something hurts me. By never bringing up my own discomfort, frustration, or sadness. I didn’t want to be one more person demanding something from him when he already has to carry the world on his shoulders. 

And maybe the scariest part is, I don’t even know how to stop. I don’t know how to unlearn the guilt. I don’t know how to tell him how I feel without fearing I’ll lose him. So I stay quiet. I say I’m fine. I try to be “chill.” And all the while, I’m quietly hurting. What about me? What about my peace? What about my voice? What about the way I carry my own stress, my own fears, my own need for love that feels mutual. Not managed?

I think I forgot that love isn’t just about being chosen. It’s about being seen, too. And I haven’t felt seen. Not really. Not when I’m hurt. Not when I’m confused or scared or aching quietly on the other side of the phone, trying not to say too much. I’ve been silencing my own heart in the name of “not being a burden.” I’ve been suppressing conflict, even when something in me was screaming to be acknowledged. I’ve been calling it “peace,” when what I really meant was: I’m scared he’ll pull away if I show him the full, messy, vulnerable parts of me. Some part of me internalized the idea that the quieter I am, the safer love will be. Deep down, I know exactly that this relationship is not healthy for a long term. I can't keep folding myself smaller just so someone else doesn’t feel overwhelmed. I can’t keep offering softness to someone who doesn’t ask me how I’m holding up. He doesn’t even ask what I’ve been up to today, what I did today, most of the time. I could ask him to mention 3 friends of mine that he knows, and he will not be able to answer.

Being in a long-distance relationship isn’t easy. We both know that. And I’m not saying this because I’m unhappy or trying to start a conflict, but because I care deeply about this relationship, and I want to make sure our connection stays strong and meaningful. I love our moments, the messages, the laughs, the playful teasing. He means a lot to me and I genuinely look forward to hearing from him every day. But I’ve noticed that emotionally, I tend to be the one reaching out more, expressing how I feel, saying “I love you” or “I miss you,” or opening up about what’s going on in my world. I just wish I could feel that energy reflected back a little more. I understand everyone expresses love differently. But emotional closeness really matters to me, especially because we’re so far apart physically. A message that goes a bit deeper, or just hearing how he’s really doing, or what he’s feeling. That kind of connection fills the gap the distance creates. I appreciate his efforts to check up on me everyday juts to say “Good morning/evening” but I hate that I keep giving him either “Have a nice day”, “Take care of yourself”, or “Sleep well”. I want to talk about trivial things too while texting when he doesn’t have time to call. And calling me once a day is a bare minimum, I need more. I miss us being more emotionally present. I miss being reminded that we’re still choosing each other intentionally, not just out of routine, but with heart. Communication and emotional intimacy are how I feel loved. I just want to feel like we're truly with each other, even across the distance.

I can’t keep sacrificing my emotional voice in the hope that silence will make me lovable. Because the truth is: I'm tired. Tired of overthinking every message. Tired of wondering if I’m annoying. Tired of walking on eggshells with someone I love. But I also cannot voice it out, scared that he might leave. I’m scared to lose him. I know there are some impossible elements in this relationship and it will eventually end. But once again, I’m not ready. Maybe I’m borderline stupid at this point. There’s no solution out of this problem, there’s no happy ending in this writing. You’ll probably think I would finish this writing with a paragraphs of closure, “No more headache, I’m decided to end this!” but unfortunately, I still love him a little too much. I juts write this down to make sure the future me reads this again and considers this relationship more, think logically, for once. But for now, this is what I can do. I need to be more patient, I’m going to mirror his energy, and makes him feel what he’s missing out. I will never like the idea of someone I love taking me for granted, and I hope he doesn’t take me for granted. Let’s just see.