Update 260102

Happy New Year. 

This is my first piece of thoughts I forced myself to write down in 2026, after a heartbreak that makes my days so bleaked I could die. But I'm not going to die because of a failed relationship. I promise.

Listening to: A playlist I made called i'm crashing out on Spotify where I currated all of the songs that mean a lot to me, all of them are ballads, and have sad lyrics explaining my exact situation. This is my crashout playlist. I'm so proud of it. Lots of sad music, like Promise by Laufey, Staying by Lizzie McAlpine, Die On This Hill by Sienna Spiro, High Hopes by Kodaline, Nobody Gets Me by SZA, Backburner by NIKI, oh damn.

I’ll always be in your corner 'cause I don’t feel alive ‘til I’m burning on your backburner.

Kill me now seriously. 

Watching: I don't really watch movies these past few days, just tuning into this Canadian series called Heated Rivalry and pretend I understand one or two things about hockey like some American. 

Loving: This dessert I ordered from this bakehouse. Cookie Bomb Ice Cream. Would order this again when I go back here. Their iced coffee is good too.

Reading: I will start picking up the books that are being left unread on my shelf. 

Have been thinking to: How hard it is to walk away from someone you love so dearly and walk away from a relationship that gives you many good memories. We were okay two weeks ago, we had a huge fight on Thursday but we were okay the next day, I mean he acted okay, even when I know I fucked up that day. But that's not entirely my fault, he didn't inform me anything about his days, even when he was having days off, and he's been going to other city applying for a job without me knowing. I just wished him to involve me in every decision he made in his life. I don't want him to tell me when he already did it. I just want to feel involved and informed. We were okay, somehow, after the big fight, then we had a call on Sunday morning. Later that day, I asked him when I can see him, and he told me that he needed some space for a month or so. I was taken aback by that sudden request, I should have been angry that he did it through texts, but I was too confused. I agreed to it, wishing him peaceful days and that I'm going to leave him alone, no worries. Even when it hurts me, because I'm craving for connection, and phone calls are how it's being fed. 

One week later, December 27th 2025 to be exact, he texted me again just to tell me that he can't continue having a relationship with me, saying sorry that he made this decision and telling me that he doesn't think this relationship is good for both us. Funny, because he's good for me, but I don't think I'm good for him. I couldn't speak, I couldn't answer, it's like there's a lightning striking me down so hard I could barely breathe. Is this real? I kept reading his texts over and over again and trying to find words to say. 

I turn into self-blaming. If I had been perfectly patient, if I had never asked for reassurance, and if I had understood him flawlessly… Would the ending still be the same? Because self-blaming is easier to do rather than accepting the fact that I can't fix this problem. He walks away because he cannot carry love and life at the same time, he doesn't have capacity to carry a relationship with weights on his shoulders. Life has been cruel, a lot of people depend on him, he has a lot at stake, he has so many things on his plate. 

Like what he told me; I love you and I want to stay with you and face everything together, but still we are so far apart which makes it even harder. I was dreaming and planning to meet you, but in reality I can't, I'm still struggling with many things especially money. And my family needs me a lot. And to be honest you are a bit demanding, that's normal but for me it's difficult to come home and see another message from you saying that you are upset and I don't even know what I did.

I'm demanding, he said. It's unfair because I demand his time and consistency, not money, not any other materials. 

So, this is what happened. Emotional burnout/hardships --> incapacity of engaged in any emotional relationship --> emotionally unavailable/shut down emotionally. When you are emotionally shutting down yourself, you will see emotional needs as burdens, as more responsibilities to keep, even when the needs are normal. Needs for connection, consistency, time. He cannot give it to me, so he gets rid of me because it's the easiest way to do, even when it hurts me. He's dealing with a lot of problems in his life and wasn't emotionally able to continue the relationship without hurting me in the way.

I know life hasn't been kind to him, I know he's been carrying more than he ever showed to me. And I truly hope life becomes softer and nicer to him, that he would go through all his battles at ease, that he would find peace, and that his days would feel lighter. I just want to thank him for loving me when he could and thank him for accepting parts of me I was afraid to show to people. What we had was real, and I'll always be grateful for it. I'm so sorry for the moments I didn't understand him well enough, for the times I might have added weight when he was already exhausted mentally and physically. That was never my intention. I only want to stay, to support him, to be by his side through thick and thin. I hope he reaches the life he's fighting for. I hope he feels proud of himself one day and realizes how strong he is.

I cried every two hours because walking away from something so beautiful is just so difficult for me. Imagine going from talking about everything everyday with him to having none at all. It hurts that I cannot tell him about what's been happening in my life anymore. It hurts to know that I cannot listen to him talk about his niche interests for hours. I miss listening to him talking, I miss his laugh, I miss his concentrating face when he's studying, I miss seeing him cooking rice with eggs everytime he goes home from work, I miss playing PUBG together with him, I miss seeing him making fun of my height everytime he could, I miss him so much and it hurts me. 

I kept texting him for the first few days after we broke up, hoping that he would take back his decision and come back to me once more. Because I could do better, I'll try. It's new year, I tried so hard not to text him, but I failed. I sent him texts, wishing him good things ahead in 2026 and telling him that I would be here for him if he ever needs me. He just reacted to it with a red love emoji and said nothing. He left me on read.

I felt my entire body shook so hard, it hurts so much, it feels so humiliating. I spent that day crying myself to sleep and went into self-hate mode. 

I keep sending him texts hoping that he would keep replying and I was looking for crumbs to get a connection. But he's done. That red love emoji reaction? That wasn't affection. That was convenience. He did not reply because there was nothing he needed to say, I already did all the emotional labor for him. I sent him long paragraphs everyday and he just replied coldly. He's just trying to be polite. To be honest, he probably wants to say "Fuck off," to me but he holds back because he knows I'm sensitive as fuck. I need to stop sending him unnecessary messages, because that's so embarrassing. That looks pathetic. I look pathetic. I'm too desperate. Downright humiliating.

I'm literally begging for him to see me, to tell him that I'm still here. But the thing is, I'm just standing in front of a closed door, banging, knocking on it, desperately trying to make him hear me say, "Hey I'm here," and it's useless. Why would he come back to me? He doesn't need me anymore. It's probably difficult for him to say no to me, he's probably just being kind to me by sending audio notes or by replying with short texts. His answers should have been the wake up call for me, but I'm too far gone to care, too stubborn to listen. I still love him and miss him so much but it looks like I'm screaming into the void, and it's falling into deaf ears.

Going into self-hate mode is easy. Maybe he broke up with me not because he got so much responsibility, it's because I'm too difficult to handle, like what he said, "You are demanding!" and not everybody could stand having a relationship with someone who is clingy and demanding like me. And I am ugly, always insecure, he's just so tired with me. He's too good for me, too smart, too understanding, too perfect. A worthless person like me is undeserving of the love from someone so beautiful like him. I'm just putting more weights into his life. I have to accept the fact that he's better off without me, without sackles on his feet that make him drown. I need to set him free.

As my final act of love, I will let him go.

Letting him go is not easy, but I wish him nothing but healing, strength, and a life that treats him gently. I love him so much.

Anticipating to: My bestfriend and I met two days ago, you know, just once in awhile meeting to talk about how we're doing in life. Turns out, she's planning to pursue a master degree in the university I'm also planning to get into, with different major of course. But that feels nice, to have someone having the same exact goal in mind. We will plan to study together to pursue a master degree through scholarship. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. This is not going to be easy, but I will try my best to achieve it. Insya Allah. And I'm going to improve myself, improve my confidence, start reading more books. I need to change to be a better person, and leave everything that hurts me behind.

Update 251107

Here we go again.

Listening to: Lately, I've been listening to music from women artists like Sabrina Carpenter, Taylor Swift, and LAUFEY.. Oh my God.. Laufey be writing songs that hurt and pierce my heart to the fullest. Lyrical genius, I somehow relate to them a lot. My favourite ones are Sugar Talking, We Almost Broke Up Again Last Night, and Never Getting Laid. Sabrina Carpenter's Man's Best Friend is apparently a 9/10 album, featuring her signature wit and storytelling song lyrics to examine the frustrations and humor of her relationships with men that got manchild personality. But somehow she can't escape them, she needs their affection, sees relationships as some transactional deal. When he's a nuisance but he's good in everything else. I love him and hate him at the same time. We exist. BUT LAUFEY IS DIFFERENT. I've been repeating Sabotage, Let You Break My Heart Again, Promise, and Too Little, Too Late non stop for the last few weeks because the lyrics resonate with me. I think she made Sabotage special for me. I think she somehow has this trait like me where we fear of pain. Self-destruction in love is real. The way we sometimes ruin good things because of our own fear of vulnerability or heartbreak. Insecurity and past pain can make us question whether we deserve love, leading us to break our own hearts before anyone else can because a good relationship is good to be true. It might go downhill in anytime, I just can't prove it. That's why Laufey calls it as a self-sabotage, we ruin it ourselves because it's too good to be true. 

Watching: I've been watching a lot of horror Indonesian movies on Netflix with my coworkers everyday at lunch. It's becoming our routine now. I can conclude that some local horror movies are fantastic, but most of them are just there for no reason with bad editing and bad storyline. The best ones I saw this year are Sorop (2024), Munkar (2024), and Jurnal Risa (2024). For foreign movies, my favourites so far are The Ugly Stepsister (2025) and Presence (2024). Long life unsettling kinda movies, you rock my world! 

Loving: The way his eyelashes look like from down below, like when you put your camera a little bit low from your sighting area. They're beautiful. He's very beautiful.

Reading: I've bought a lot of books and tried to read this book called Madonna in a Fur Coat by Sabahattin Ali, an author from Turkey. I also tried to start reading this book called Seporsi Mie Ayam Sebelum Mati by Brian Khrisna, an author from Indonesia. Too bad I'm a procrastinator that does everything except reading so I have difficulty in finishing these books. I got 10+ books laying on my table, waiting to be finished. I'm going to scream.

Have been thinking to: How draining a long-distance relationship can be. I wake up at 4 am just to wait for his call, staying awake and hoping we'll talk the way we used to. In the beginning, those calls lasted an hour, and even though it was exhausting, it felt worth it because I felt loved and connected. Now, things are different. The calls have shrunk into quick five-minute check-ins, usually ending with him too tired to talk and ready to sleep. I understand he's exhausted after work, but for me, those short conversations leave me feeling empty instead of reassured. It feels like my effort like, sacrificing sleep, is no longer matched by his effort. As an overthinker with anxious attachment, this shift hits me hard. I replay the short calls in my head, wondering if he still values them the way I do, or if calling me just isn't as important to him anymore. I can't help but compare the present to the past, and the difference makes me feel like I'm quietly bending down, suppressing my own emotional needs just to keep things going. He used to hit me up with sweet messages like "Are you awake?", or "Can I call you?", or "Can I see you?" and now it's just a sounded-cold text like, "Call if you're awake," and this tiny detail makes me upset. I keep asking myself if love should feel this way...so draining, so one-sided. A relationship is supposed to give comfort and strength, not constant exhaustion and self-doubt. I know silence won't solve anything, but sometimes I feel like if I speak up, I'll only sound needy or demanding. And so I stay quiet, even though the truth is that five-minute calls aren't enough for me. I miss feeling close. I miss the longer talks where I felt like we were really together, despite the miles between us. More than anything, I miss the version of us that made me believe all the effort was worth it.

And lately, I've noticed how something as natural as expressing my feelings has begun to feel like walking on thin ice. Every time I open up about what hurts or confuses me, it somehow ends in tension, he reacts with anger, annoyance, and the same familiar ache of regret afterwards. It happened again this week. All I wanted was to share how I felt about something simple: wanting him to call me after work. It wasn't a demand; it was a small wish for closeness, a reassurance that he wants to hear my voice. I want him to call me after work because he actually wants to see me, not because I want him to call me. But when I said it, he got angry. He said, "You really got me angry right now," and this line echoed in my head longer than I'd like to admit. I don't know why he got so angry after I was voicing out my feelings, it's like my feelings don't matter. I ended up telling him I'm sorry and I spent the whole day and night crying, even when I was at work. I wept quietly and no one noticed.

The truth is, I was scared. Not of him, exactly, but of that feeling of being punished for being honest. I hate that my body tenses up when I sense his irritation, that I start calculating what is safe to say and what might upset him. It's exhausting to shrink my voice just to keep the peace. The next day, I couldn't bring myself to talk much. He called, asked if I was okay, and I told him I wasn't ready to talk yet, the last conversation still hurts me. That "You really got me angry right now," sentence still hurts me. He said it shouldn't be complicated, that I misunderstood, that his "Call if you’re still awake" text was just a normal message. But it's not about that one text. It's about the pattern: how quickly my feelings are dismissed as overreactions, how easily he gets angry instead of curious, he doesn't even try to understand why I felt that way. When I stayed silent, he said, "If you’re not going to talk, I’m hanging up." and I told him maybe it's better that way because if we kept talking, we'd just hurt each other. He hung up. Literally.

And then, a few hours later, he called again. We talked as if nothing had happened. No apology, no explanation. Just normal conversation, the same rhythm, the same small talk, the same gentle tone that makes me question whether the pain was even real. It's confusing, the way things can return to 'normal' so easily, yet leave something cracked beneath the surface. Now, I still message him. We still say "Good morning," "Study well," "Have a good day," but something in me has gone quiet. Not cold, just careful. I'm still here, still caring, but more from a distance. A soft distance. Maybe this is what emotional self-protection looks like, staying connected, but guarding the parts of myself that keep getting hurt. Maybe it's about learning that peace sometimes means less conversation, fewer explanations, and more silence that's chosen, not forced. I'm trying to learn how to stay connected without holding on too tightly.

It's a strange balance, really. Wanting to keep someone close while also needing to breathe. I still care, deeply, but I've started to care from a softer distance. It's not about pulling away out of anger or pride; it's about peace. About choosing quiet connection over constant reaching. For a long time, I think I carried both sides of this relationship. I was the one who explained, softened, reached out, tried to understand, tried to fix. I filled the silence before it got heavy, mended the distance before it turned cold. But now… I've stopped rushing in to close the space. And suddenly, I can feel how much of it was mine to fill. There’s a distance between us. It's not loud, not dramatic. Just a quiet gap where words used to live. It's the kind of distance that happens when one person stops overreaching and waits to see if the other will step closer. I don't blame him. I think we both needed the air. I still miss him, though. Not in the desperate way I used to, but in a gentler, almost grateful way. 

I don't know what will happen next. I just know I can't keep walking on eggshells. I want to love in a way that doesn't make me scared of my own voice. And until that feels possible again, I'll love quietly...from a little farther away.

Anticipating to: My friend suddenly proposed this idea of travelling to Ranu Kumbolo and Karimun Jawa in 2026 and it has to be fulfilled in 2026, no excuses. We're planning to save money starting next year and I hope this plan will ensue. Let's just see. There are a lot of places I want to visit but so little time and so little money lmao.

I'm Wearing My Heart on My Sleeve Today

 “Be his peace and shut the fuck up.”

…is the sentence that keeps replaying on my head over and over again. And it makes me go crazy. And I can’t shut it down.

I’ve been holding this weight in silence. So subtle at first that I didn’t even realize how heavy it had become. I thought I was doing the right thing, the loving thing. I thought being the calm in his storm was what love looked like.

Okay, long story short, I’m getting in a relationship with someone who lives so far away from me so you can say that we’re in a long distance relationship. So many ups and downs, we fought, we had arguments, we made up, the cycle continues.

I kept hearing this phrase everywhere: “Be his peace.” At first, it made sense to me. Life is hard. People are tired. Love should feel safe and soft, not stressful. He got a lot of problems to solve, he’s busy, he has so many goals to achieve. So I decided to be that person for him; his safe space, his comfort, his peace. Someone who he can go back to when life is becoming too much. Someone who can lessen the heavy weight out of his chest. I want to be his peace, when he’s losing his mind. I want him to say, I need her.

But I think I suck at this. I think I add more burdens into his life.

Every time I felt his energy change, even slightly, even just over text, I found myself shrinking. I don’t know if this can be called as a positive thing to be able to notice a slight energy change from someone. I notice and I’m becoming very upset. I started replaying our conversations over and over in my head, wondering if I had said too much, asked too much, been too much, or demanded too much. I blamed myself too much, too. I felt guilty for needing more time, more attention, more presence, and I hate being an overthinker who’s anxious all the time and this eats me up and I’m mentally exhausted. But I still can’t stop thinking about it.

Most of the time, I think maybe I’m the problem. Maybe I talk too much. Maybe I should just be quiet and give him space. He got so many things on his plate, he can’t possibly have another one on top of it. I convinced myself I was protecting our love by keeping my needs small. By staying quiet when something hurts me. By never bringing up my own discomfort, frustration, or sadness. I didn’t want to be one more person demanding something from him when he already has to carry the world on his shoulders. 

And maybe the scariest part is, I don’t even know how to stop. I don’t know how to unlearn the guilt. I don’t know how to tell him how I feel without fearing I’ll lose him. So I stay quiet. I say I’m fine. I try to be “chill.” And all the while, I’m quietly hurting. What about me? What about my peace? What about my voice? What about the way I carry my own stress, my own fears, my own need for love that feels mutual. Not managed?

I think I forgot that love isn’t just about being chosen. It’s about being seen, too. And I haven’t felt seen. Not really. Not when I’m hurt. Not when I’m confused or scared or aching quietly on the other side of the phone, trying not to say too much. I’ve been silencing my own heart in the name of “not being a burden.” I’ve been suppressing conflict, even when something in me was screaming to be acknowledged. I’ve been calling it “peace,” when what I really meant was: I’m scared he’ll pull away if I show him the full, messy, vulnerable parts of me. Some part of me internalized the idea that the quieter I am, the safer love will be. Deep down, I know exactly that this relationship is not healthy for a long term. I can't keep folding myself smaller just so someone else doesn’t feel overwhelmed. I can’t keep offering softness to someone who doesn’t ask me how I’m holding up. He doesn’t even ask what I’ve been up to today, what I did today, most of the time. I could ask him to mention 3 friends of mine that he knows, and he will not be able to answer.

Being in a long-distance relationship isn’t easy. We both know that. And I’m not saying this because I’m unhappy or trying to start a conflict, but because I care deeply about this relationship, and I want to make sure our connection stays strong and meaningful. I love our moments, the messages, the laughs, the playful teasing. He means a lot to me and I genuinely look forward to hearing from him every day. But I’ve noticed that emotionally, I tend to be the one reaching out more, expressing how I feel, saying “I love you” or “I miss you,” or opening up about what’s going on in my world. I just wish I could feel that energy reflected back a little more. I understand everyone expresses love differently. But emotional closeness really matters to me, especially because we’re so far apart physically. A message that goes a bit deeper, or just hearing how he’s really doing, or what he’s feeling. That kind of connection fills the gap the distance creates. I appreciate his efforts to check up on me everyday juts to say “Good morning/evening” but I hate that I keep giving him either “Have a nice day”, “Take care of yourself”, or “Sleep well”. I want to talk about trivial things too while texting when he doesn’t have time to call. And calling me once a day is a bare minimum, I need more. I miss us being more emotionally present. I miss being reminded that we’re still choosing each other intentionally, not just out of routine, but with heart. Communication and emotional intimacy are how I feel loved. I just want to feel like we're truly with each other, even across the distance.

I can’t keep sacrificing my emotional voice in the hope that silence will make me lovable. Because the truth is: I'm tired. Tired of overthinking every message. Tired of wondering if I’m annoying. Tired of walking on eggshells with someone I love. But I also cannot voice it out, scared that he might leave. I’m scared to lose him. I know there are some impossible elements in this relationship and it will eventually end. But once again, I’m not ready. Maybe I’m borderline stupid at this point. There’s no solution out of this problem, there’s no happy ending in this writing. You’ll probably think I would finish this writing with a paragraphs of closure, “No more headache, I’m decided to end this!” but unfortunately, I still love him a little too much. I juts write this down to make sure the future me reads this again and considers this relationship more, think logically, for once. But for now, this is what I can do. I need to be more patient, I’m going to mirror his energy, and makes him feel what he’s missing out. I will never like the idea of someone I love taking me for granted, and I hope he doesn’t take me for granted. Let’s just see.

Update 250224

Was scrolling through my blog posts, not in some narcissistic way, but more like "Where did I get this energy back then? Posting hundred of silly stories?" and I facepalmed myself. I will probably not be reaching that certain level of madness today, but I will make sure to post at least one post every year. I will make sure the future me reading this exact annual (or monthly) Update post about what I was into in certain period of time, because I'm experiencing severe hyperfixation over different people/things at the same time for short amount of time, and I don't regret it. I love being a little silly, anyway. 

It's been so long since the last time I did this. How to start this? Here we gooo.

Listening to: The Strokes discography. I was blown away by Albert Hammond Jr.'s performance at We The Fest concert I attended in 2023 and then I started listening to their music. My God, their musicality is insane. I've been repeating Reptilia, Bad Decisions, The Adults are Talking, Ode to the Mets, Threat of Joy, and so on. Someone needs to give Nick and Albert extra pat on the back for creating such an eargasm guitar performance. For Indonesian artist, I start listening to Bernadya, I'm so obsessed with her discography (oh she only got 13 songs alright). I also listen to some old songs like Simon & Garfunkel's The Sound of Silence, George Michael's Careless Whisper, Crowded House's Don't Dream It's Over, Boyz II Men's On Bended Knees, and many more. My friend from Turkey also recommends me this Turkish song (Dolu Kadehi Ters Tut's Gitme) and I can't stop repeating it ever since. 

Watching: OOOOOUUUUUU I HAVEN'T TOLD YALL I'M A [FAKE] CINEPHILE NOW! I'm into movies in the past few years (since the end of 2021). It's actually funny because the last Update post I wrote was made in 2021. After that certain period, I got a new job and somehow I decided to pick up some hobbies that I can do after I finish working. I need to watch at least 1 movie every night because that's what calms me. That happy and serene feeling you experience everytime you finished watching a very brilliant movie is addicting! I don't even have a favorite genre, I just like watching good movies, and then write a quirky review on Letterboxd, that's all. These past few weeks, top movies I've watched are probably Incendies (2010), M (1931), The Pianist (2002), and Queer (2024). Superb.

Loving: This nasi bakar I bought from Shopeefood a little too much.

Reading: As of today, I'm in a relationship with someone who loves reading like it's air. So I'm trying to pick up some books to read too because I need to train my brain more, I feel like I'm getting a brainrot and that's not okay. They've been recommending me books like For Bread Alone by Mohammad Choukri, The White Nights by Fyodor Dostoevsky, A Place For Us by Fatima Farheen Mirza, and many others. I once asked them about which book they want to give me as a special gift, and they answered, "The Forty Rules of Love by Elif Shafak". Living in Indonesia with limited access to books make me frustated, and books are expensive here in general. It's basic necessity for everyone but somehow it's not one of top priorities of this government. We can talk about it later.

Have been thinking to: How underwhelming Oscar season this year is. The Best Picture contenders are not interesting. How did we get Oppenheimer, Killers of The Flower Moon, Anatomy of a Fall, The Zone of Interest as Best Picture contenders in 2024 to a literal Emilia Pérez, Anora, and The Brutalist (they used AI for the Hungarian accent, mind you!). I feel like we should normalize banning movies that use AI from any award event. I'm dead serious.

Anticipating to: The day I meet my lover for the first time. Long distance sucks because we're both busy and we live so far away from each other. I don't know what's going to happen but let's just see and be patient. 

[!!!] Additional Informations
Sooo I suddenly have an immense interest on Formula 1. It's like I suddenly woke up one day in June 2023, started chanting Fratelli d'Italia in a cold sweat, and decided to dedicate my life to Scuderia Ferrari. I love watching fast cars having wheel-to-wheel battle on track. You can probably guess which driver I'm rooting for based on my Instagram posts alone. Yes, Charles Leclerc. Such a talented and skillful young driver. Lucky me, I had the chance to witness the race myself with my own eyes on September 2024. It was Singapore Grand Prix. Probably one of the best experiences I've ever had. I will talk about it in separate post. 

  

Update 211218

It's been YEARS since the last time I wrote something on this blog. There are a lot of things happening and I don't know how to tell you about it. Funny how everything and nothing happened in the past two years, I went through a lot of things, so much emotions. I will not write it all into details, just some stuffs I've been digging into, just because.

Listening to: It's funny how the last Update post (June 2019) that I posted before talking about me listening to Alex Turner's Stuck on the Puzzle on repeat. I didn't really dig into his discography back then and I didn't even listen to Arctic Monkeys and The Last Shadow Puppets. But guess who turns out to be an Arctic Monkeys fan? Yes, it's me. I feel so guilty for discovering their music SO DAMN LATE, but I love their music so much? Alex Turner's song-writing skill is just very brilliant, and I'm addicted to his singing voice too. I usually listen to Kpop or Thai Pop songs (and some Western songs too) but they're all Pop music, who would have thought that I'd be listening to Rock music?  There are a lot of songs I've been playing on repeat, like Do I Wanna Know, Sweet Dreams, TN, No. 1 Party Anthem, The Bourne Identity, Miracle Aligner, Wanna Be Yours, Four Out of Five, Fire and The Thud, Too Much To Ask, Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino, and many more☺ I also dig into The Beatles' music and binge-watch all of their videos on Youtube. Literally one of the greatest band ever.

Watching: Just watched Spider-Man No Way Home two days ago and I love everything about it. I'm not going to spoil you, but please watch it if you haven't yet! You know I wasn't into movies and TV series, but started from September 2021, I have grown an addiction to them. What a weird hyperfixation I swear. It started with watching Queer as Folk and Hannibal, and now I'm starting to watch Succession. Oh and I literally watched 70 movies last month. I didn't even watch Thai series anymore these past few months. I love everything at once and getting hyperfixation on new things so fast but I also lose interest on them so fast too. One day I dig into James McAvoy's filmography, and then Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and the next day I'm into Sebastian Stan, and the day after I'm into George MacKay, Christian Bale, Matt Damon, and today I'm into Andrew Garfield. It's a never-ending cycle!

Loving: Alex Turner's neatly slicked back hair and his thick Sheffield accent. It's just so hard to understand what he's saying most of the time without subtitles, he speaks like he's drunk lmao but I love him and what about it.

Reading: I don't really read again these days, I don't even go to AO3 again [sobs into hands] 

Have been thinking to: The Amazing Spider-man 1 & 2! I have watched the first movie long ago but I just had the time to watch the second movie three days ago and I can't stop thinking about how perfect Peter and Gwen are. God they're so sweet and their chemistry is just so chef's kiss and the humour in both movies are superb! The Amazing Spider-man 2 is just sooo fantastic, I demand more Andrew Garfield's Spider-man movies because two aren't enough! We need more witty and quirky Spider-Man and I miss Andrew.

Anticipating to: Arctic Monkey's 7th album that will be released next year! They will also hold a concert for the first time after pandemic in some cities (mostly Europe and U.S), and sadly, no Asian country on sight yet. I hope I can attend their concert or gig one day, I'm going to scream my lungs out singing Do I Wanna Know and crying at the same time. I'm also excited for Doctor Strange: in the Multiverse of Madness, Harry Potter Reunion: Return to Hogwarts, and The Batman. So many movies and TV series to watch, too little time. 

Watch this movie right now!

Youth Adventure 2019: Siapa dan Hal Apa yang Akan Kau Temui di Jalan?

Day 1: Surabaya

Hari pertama Youth Adventure dimulai hari Senin tanggal 7 Oktober 2019 dengan titik start di Wisma Remaja Dukuh Kupang. Hari yang sangat mendebarkan dan memicu adrenalin karena untuk pertama kalinya saya akan merasakan bagaimana hidup di jalan bersama kedua teman satu tim hanya dengan uang 100 ribu/anak. Setelah dilepas pukul 09:30 WIB, saya dan tim saya berjalan ke arah Selatan untuk sekadar mencari inspirasi. Kami pun memutuskan untuk membeli 30 buah tisu kecil, lalu pergi ke tempat print-printan terdekat untuk mencetak quote kalimat toleransi dan pentingnya berbagi yang akan kami tempelkan bersama tisu-tisu yang kami beli. Kami ingin menjual sesuatu dan berusaha mendapat uang lebih dari penjualan tisu tersebut. Kami lalu berinisiatif untuk pergi ke Taman Bungkul, yang jaraknya kurang lebih tujuh kilometer dari Wisma Remaja Dukuh Kupang. 

Sungguh perjalanan yang lumayan melelahkan. Kami menjajakan tisu kepada orang-orang yang kami temui di jalan dan kami menemukan banyak orang baik yang mau membantu kami bertiga. Bahkan ada Ibu-ibu penjaga rumah makan yang berbaik hati memberikan tiga botol air putih dingin kepada kami dan ada yang memberikan uang 20 ribu untuk kami. Walaupun ada beberapa yang menolak kami, kami sungguh terharu bahwa banyak masyarakat yang sedia membantu kami. Sekitar pukul 16:00 WIB kami sampai di Taman Bungkul dan kami pun mendapatkan rezeki yang lumayan. Jika di total, jumlahnya mencapai 270 ribu. Melihat pengeluaran kami yang hanya berjumlah kurang lebih 40 ribu untuk membeli tisu dan biaya mencetak tulisan, total uang 270 ribu sudah diluar ekspektasi kami. 

Malam pun tiba, kami memutuskan untuk istirahat makan dan sholat di masjid dekat taman dan melanjutkan kegiatan berjualan tisu kami karena semakin malam, semakin banyak orang yang datang ke Taman Bungkul. Sampai pada saat kami menjajakan tisu kami ke seorang Ibu-ibu berumur 50an yang sedang duduk-duduk bersama beberapa koleganya sambil menikmati kuaci di pinggir taman. Kami menjelaskan maksud dan tujuan kami serta menjelaskan pentingnya rasa toleransi antar suku dan antar umat beragama, serta menjelaskan pandangan kami mengenai pemerintah Indonesia saat ini. Saya ingat sekali ucapan yang beliau katakan kepada kami, “Jokowi adalah pemimpin kita, setidak sukanya kamu kepada Jokowi, hormati lah dia, karena beliau tetap pemimpin kita,” sebelum beliau memberikan uang 300 ribu kepada kami. Sontak kami terkejut, karena nominal yang diberikan terlalu besar untuk sekadar sebungkus tisu. Disitu saya menangis bersama salah satu rekan saya karena merasa terharu mendapat uang sebanyak itu. Beliau membeli semua tisu yang kami punya dan menyuruh kami untuk segera mencari bus ke Bondowoso. 

Kami lalu bergegas menuju ke arah Pos Satpam taman yang berjarak tak jauh dari situ untuk menanyakan bagaimana cara untuk bisa ke Terminal Bungurasih. Pak Satpam dan salah satu petugas Satpol PP disitu membantu kami mencari botol plastik bekas untuk dapat naik Bus Surabaya karena per orang diharuskan memberi lima botol plastik bekas ukuran sedang. Jadi total botol plastik bekas yang harus kami dapatkan adalah 15. Setelah mendapatkan botol secukupnya, kami lalu naik Bus Surabaya menuju ke Terminal Bungurasih sekitar jam 19:45 WIB. 

Sesampainya di terminal, kami dibantu oleh seorang warga yang kami temui di Bus Surabaya bernama Bapak Widodo yang telah sangat berbaik hati mencarikan bus kearah Bondowoso yang aman dari calo. Kami berangkat pukul 21:30 WIB menuju Bondowoso dan transit di Terminal Probolinggo dari pukul 12 malam sampai pagi.

Lesson Learned:

Bahwa banyak sekali orang-orang baik yang kami jumpai di jalan, dan kami mengerti betapa sulitnya mencari uang untuk dapat bertahan hidup. Kami juga belajar untuk dapat berhemat dan tidak menghambur-hamburkan uang karena diluar sana banyak sekali orang-orang yang bekerja membanting tulang dan bahkan bekerja lebih keras dari apa yang kami lakukan, untuk dapat bertahan hidup. Saya juga belajar bahwa kita tidak perlu menjadi orang yang mampu untuk dapat berbagi karena sekecil apa pun bantuan yang kita berikan akan sangat berarti bagi orang lain. Kita juga menjadi manusia yang mengerti bahwa berdo’a dan banyak bersyukur perlu kita lakukan karena hasil tidak akan mengkhianati usaha.

Day 2: Bondowoso

Untuk pertama kalinya dalam sepanjang hidup saya, saya tidur di di terminal. Karena hari sudah larut, dan bus memang transit dan akan berangkat menuju Bondowoso pukul 07:00 WIB, kami diharuskan tidur di dalam bus sampei esok hari. Kami mengobrol dengan supir bus lain yang ada disana sembari minum teh hangat di warung-warung kecil yang ada di dalam terminal, yang hanya bermodalkan meja kayu kecil dan bangku-bangku kayu sederhana, tanpa atap, dan diterangi lampu kuning di tengahnya. Kami menghabiskan waktu malam kami di dalam bus sampai keesokan hari. 

Setelah mandi dan bersiap-siap berangkat, bus pun menuju Bondowoso dan tiba disana pukul 11:00 WIB. Hanya satu kata yang dapat kami ucapkan. Sepi. Terminal Bondowoso sungguh sepi, hanya ada beberapa bus yang terparkir dan tidak banyak penumpang yang naik ataupun turun dari bus. Kami sempat bingung ingin melakukan kegiatan apa di Bondowoso sebagai bentuk Ziarah Tangan di Atas kami, karena hari sungguh panas dan terik, dan terminal begitu sepi. 

Kami lalu duduk-duduk sebentar sembari berbincang-bincang dengan pedagang asongan dan seorang pengamen yang ada di terminal. Pengamen tersebut melakukan kegiatan mengamennya karena menyanyi adalah hobinya. Ketika tidak ada bus yang parkir, pengamen itu tetap memainkan gitarnya di ruang tunggu terminal tanpa henti. Pengamen tersebut tidak mau menerima bantuan kami dan malah mengantar kami ke warung makan di terminal yang menjadi warung langganannya karena makanan yang tersedia terbilang murah. 

Setelah itu, kami berjalan kurang lebih tiga kilometer kearah alun-alun Bondowoso untuk mencari anak jalanan atau pengamen, namun nihil, karena alun-alun mulai ramai dari sore sampai malam. Setelah beberapa menit duduk-duduk di alun-alun, kami pun berinisiatif untuk membeli sandal jepit untuk kami sumbangkan ke mushola-mushola yang belum menyediakan sandal jepit untuk wudhu. Saya dan salah satu rekan saya berjalan lima menit kearah pasar dan membeli beberapa pasang sendal jepit dengan biaya 120 ribu. Kami lalu sumbangkan sandal jepit ke masjid dekat alun-alun Bondowoso dan mushola terminal. 

Selanjutnya, kami menuju Situbondo menggunakan angkutan kota dengan ongkos 7 ribu/orang dan turun di Terminal Situbondo. Berikutnya, kami berjalan kearah jalan raya yang banyak dilewati bus dan truk yang menuju kearah Banyuwangi dan menunggu selama satu jam di lampu merah. Akhirnya kami mendapat tumpangan truk tronton gandeng kearah Pelabuhan Ketapang yang ditempuh selama kurang lebih tiga jam, dan sampai di Pelabuhan Ketapang pukul 00:00 WIB.

Lesson Learned:

Bahwa hidup itu kadang di atas dan kadang di bawah. Kemarin tim kami diberikan kemudahan dalam melakukan Ziarah Tangah di Bawah, namun mendapat kesulitan dalam melakukan Ziarah Tangan di Atas. Kami belajar banyak akan pentingnya bersabar.  

 

Day 3: Bali

Setelah tiba di Pelabuhan Ketapang pukul 00:00 WIB, kami memutuskan untuk bermalam dan istirahat di ruang tunggu pelabuhan yang sudah sepi dan berangkat keesokan harinya. Karena Pelabuhan Ketapang buka 24 jam dan selalu ada kapal yang berlabuh setiap waktunya, membuat ruang tunggu pelabuhan tidak berfungsi dengan baik. Kami menyeberang dari Banyuwangi ke Bali pukul 07:00 WIB dan tiba di Pelabuhan Gilimanuk pukul 09:00 WITA dan makan di pelabuhan. Kemudian kami berencana untuk menumpang truk untuk bisa menuju ke Denpasar, namun sayangnya kami tidak menemukan truk yang lewat dan tiba bersamaan dengan kami. Terpaksa kami naik angkutan kota dengan ongkos 40 ribu/orang untuk menuju ke Terminal Ubung, Denpasar. Di dalam angkot, kami bertemu dua turis asing asal Jerman dan Selandia Baru dan berbicara tentang banyak hal. 

Kami tiba di Terminal Ubung pukul 12:30 WITA dan memutuskan untuk mencari masjid atau mushola terdekat. Disini lah kami merasakan sulitnya mencari masjid. Kami harus berjalan kurang lebih tiga kilometer untuk menuju Masjid Baiturrahman, salah satu masjid terbesar di daerah Kampung Jawa. Setelah melakukan sholat Ashar, kami lalu mencari langgar terdekat untuk menyumbangkan sisa sandal jepit kami dan akhirnya kami mengajarkan pentingnya rasa toleransi di langgar RT 5 Kampung Jawa kepada anak-anak SD yang mengikuti kegiatan membaca Al-Qur’an di langgar tersebut. 

Kami juga menyanyikan lagu Tanah Air bersama mereka semua dan melakukan permainan-permainan kecil yang membuat mereka terhibur. Ziarah Kebebasan kami selanjutnya kami pakai untuk berjalan-jalan menuju Kuta, melihat Monumen Bom Bali (Ground Zero Monument) untuk pertama kali, yang mana monumen ini sendiri dibangun untuk menghormati para korban Bom Bali pada Oktober 2002 silam di Jalan Legian, Kuta.

Lesson Learned:

Bahwa sesekali kita harus merasakan bagaimana rasanya menjadi minoritas supaya dapat menambah rasa toleransi antar umat. Di Kampung Jawa, masyarakat hidup rukun dan tentram, serta hidup saling menghormati, tidak ada perpecahan maupun konflik di Bali, sebab menurut saya, semua masyarakat harus hidup rukun dimana pun kita berada.

Pre-Departure Youth Adventure 2019: Surabaya, Here We Go!

Setelah melakukan tahap Seleknas, alhamdulillah saya lolos untuk bisa mengikuti rangkaian acara Youth Adventure and Youth Leadership Forum 2019 yang akan diselenggarakan di Surabaya-Bali bulan Oktober 2019. Dari 430 pendaftar, terpilih lah 20 orang yang berhak mengikuti acara tersebut.

Dari 20 orang tersebut, hanya 15 orang yang konfirmasi hadir di hari-H. Teman Seleknas ku, Vindi dan Salsa sayangnya tidak dapat datang ke Surabaya karena satu dan lain hal. 15 orang tersebut terdiri dari saya, Owi (Kalimantan Timur), Ewin (Papua), Salma (Jawa Barat), Eka (Bali), Kak Ipul (Sulawesi Tenggara), Febri (Jawa Timur), Maula (Jawa Timur), Kak Rama (Sulawesi Tengah), Kak Wahyudi (Aceh), Kak Bahri (Jawa Barat), Agung (Kepri), Rafi (Aceh), Tampan (Aceh), dan Akbar (Kalimantan Tengah). 

Ada beberapa tugas dan barang yang harus kami bawa ke Surabaya, salah satunya telur mentah. Pihak GMB tidak memberitahu saya dan teman-teman tentang esensi dari telur mentah tersebut. Telur mentah saya bungkus dengan koran sedemikian rupa dan kemudian saya masukkan kedalam tempat makan supaya tetap aman sampai Surabaya.

Saya berangkat dari Semarang naik kereta pukul 5:30 WIB dan sampai di Surabaya jam 9:30 WIB. Lanjut ke titik kumpul acara yang bertempat di Wisma Remaja Dukuh Kupang Surabaya. Sekitar pukul 10:00 WIB saya tiba di lokasi dan bertemu dengan Kak Bahri, Akbar, dan Eka. Satu persatu peserta berdatangan dan kami berbincang-bincang sambil makan siang diluar aula.

Untuk lebih jelasnya, saya akan menjabarkan kegiatan saya selama karantina dua hari di Wisma Remaja Surabaya seperti berikut.

Welcome to GMB & Tell Me More About Yourself

Seluruh peserta diwajibkan memakai baju GMB yang telah diberikan saat pendaftaran di awal. Di sesi ini, semua peserta memperkenalkan diri masing-masing kurang dari 5 menit. Alumni GMB juga memperkenalkan diri dan saya banyak mengenal orang-orang yang luar biasa baik dalam bidang akademik maupun non-akademik. Semakin merasa menjadi butiran debu karena belum mampu membantu dan berkontribusi banyak ke lingkungan sekitar. But from them, I'm getting there one day hopefully. 

Welcome Dinner

Ini nih yang seru. Setelah istirahat mandi dan sholat Maghrib, saya masuk ke aula dengan kondisi meja tertata rapi dengan nasi kuning di atas daun pisang disusun memanjang di atas meja, serta segala lauk pauk disana. Saya tidak sempat mengabadikan momen tersebut tapi cara makan seperti itu memang sangat seru, ditambah lagi dengan ketentuan bahwa para peserta tidak boleh duduk bersebelahan dengan sesama peserta. Tujuan utama memang bonding dengan para alumni GMB yang lain. Makan sambil ngobrol harusnya tidak boleh, tapi mustahil kalau tidak ngobrol  jika bertemu anak-anak GMB. Ada saja yang diperbincangkan. Saya duduk berhadapan dengan Mba Jen, Bram, Bang Al, Kak Mustika, dan Kak Wong, sedangkan samping kanan saya itu Kak Bryan dan samping kiri saya Kak Arnald. 

Morning Exercise

Jam 06:00 seluruh peserta wajib berkumpul di halaman depan Wisma Remaja untuk melakukan kegiatan olahraga bersama. Setelah melakukan pemanasan, kami berlari keluar Wisma dengan rute sekitar kawasan Dukuh Kupang dan kembali ke Wisma sekitar pukul 06:45 WIB. Saya pikir acara akan selesai sampai disitu, tapi tidak secepat itu. Setelah berlari sekitar 2-3 km, alumni GMB meminta kita untuk menyebutkan tokoh yang kita kagumi beserta alasannya. Satu persatu peserta dan alumni GMB (serta board members) menyampaikan kepada kita semua idola dan tokoh yang menginspirasi; mulai dari Gus Dur, RA Kartini, Hoegeng Iman Santoso, Yuval Noah Harari, Ki Hajar Dewantara, BJ Habibie, dan lain sebagainya. Sesi ini berhasil menambah wawasan saya tentang tokoh-tokoh yang namanya terdengar asing di telinga saya namun memiliki kisah inspiratif yang patut dicontoh.  

Introduction to GMB: Background and Its Four Values

Para peserta dan alumni GMB diharapkan dapat terus menebarkan empat nilai-nilai GMB yaitu living beyond yourself, sharing in diversity, volunteerism, dan start from yourself. Kita sebagai manusia harus sepenuhnya sadar bahwa kita hidup tidak sendirian, kita hidup di tengah-tengah masyarakat, jadi buanglah ego mu dan mulai untuk memperjuangkan kepentingan bersama. Rasa toleransi antar sesama umat manusia juga harus diaplikasikan dalam kehidupan sehari-hari karena lingkungan kita sangat majemuk, terdiri dari orang-orang yang berbeda suku, budaya, bahasa, dan sebagainya. Perubahan dimulai dari diri sendiri, untuk kita bisa membuat perubahan di lingkungan. Begitulah sinopsis yang dapat saya tulis untuk menggambarkan sesi ini.

Understanding YA: Journey of Receiving, Journey of Giving Back, and Journey of Freedom

Mari kita bahas kegiatan Youth Adventure-nya. Jadi ada tiga misi yang harus dilakukan para peserta YA selama melakukan kegiatan ini. Pada hari pertama, yakni tanggal 7 Oktober 2019, misinya adalah  Journey of Receiving atau Ziarah Tangan di Bawah. Dalam misi ini, tiap kelompok harus melakukan upaya-upaya untuk mendapatkan uang di kota pertama agar dapat melanjutkan perjalanan ke kota berikutnya dan menjadi modal untuk melakukan misi selanjutnya. Peserta dituntut untuk kreatif dalam melakukan misi ini karena tiap tim hanya diberi 350 ribu untuk dapat sampai ke Bali. Untuk tiap tim sendiri harus melakukan misi pertama di kota yang berbeda sesuai dengan ketentuan panitia. Di hari kedua, yakni tanggal 8 Oktober 2019, misinya adalah  Journey of Giving Back atau Ziarah Tangan di Atas. Dalam misi ini, tiap tim melakukan kegiatan memberi, baik secara materiil maupun non-materiil, di kota kedua. Dan berikutnya, pada hari ketiga, yakni tanggal 9 Oktober 2019, misinya adalah  Journey of Freedom atau Ziarah Kebebasan. Dalam misi ini, tiap tim bebas menentukan kota mana yang akan disinggahi dan bebas melakukan kegiatan apa saja disana. Pada tanggal 10 Oktober 2019, semua tim harus sudah tiba di Denpasar, Bali, di titik lokasi yang telah ditentukan. 

Risk Mitigation: Health Risk, Emergencies, and Survival Tips on The Road

Pada sesi ini, para alumni GMB menceritakan kisah mereka ketika melakukan Youth Adventure di tahun-tahun sebelumnya untuk memberikan gambaran akan hal apa yang akan kita temui saat melakukan misi. Para alumni juga memberikan pengarahan apabila sesuatu yang tidak diinginkan terjadi di jalan, misalkan ada anggota tim yang sakit, tidak mendapatkan tumpangan sampai larut, dan lain sebagainya. 

CitizenOS: How Can I Use Digital Platform to Make This World Better?

Ada seorang volunteer GMB bernama Anett yang tergabung dalam CitizenOS, sebuah platform yang berfungsi untuk memberikan kesempatan bagi masyarakat untuk melaporkan masalah-masalah apa yang ada di lingkungan yang nantinya akan disalurkan kepada para decision-makers di pemerintah. Anett yang berasal dari Estonia ikut berpartisipasi dan mengajarkan para peserta dan alumni bagaimana menggunakan platform CitizenOS dengan benar.  

What to Pack in Your Back?

Pada sesi ini, peserta YA membawa semua barang-barang yang dibawa ke aula dan panitia mengecek tas peserta, serta membagikan obat-obatan bagi masing-masing tim. Hal ini dilakukan untuk memeriksa kesiapan peserta dan menitipkan barang-barang yang sekiranya tidak diperlukan dalam melakukan YA ke panitia untuk mengurangi beban tas. 

GMB and Folk Songs

GMB mempunyai tiga lagu yang harus peserta hafalkan selama acara, yakni Hymne GMB, Mari Berbagi, dan Pemuka Pemuda. Di Youth Leaders Forum yang akan diselenggarakan di Bali mendatang, para peserta dan alumni akan menampilkan suatu performance menyanyikan lagu-lagu daerah, maka dari itu, peserta dan alumni dibagi menjadi beberapa kelompok. Setiap malam, kami berlatih menghafalkan lagu daerah masing-masing dan membentuk koreo yang akan ditampilkan di atas panggung. 

Pre-Departure Briefing

Setelah sarapan, kami berkumpul untuk mendapatkan briefing dari alumni GMB. Pada sesi ini, masing-masing tim mendapat mentor yang nantinya akan menerima laporan dari ketua tim setiap harinya. Laporan yang dimaksud berisi lokasi tim, kesehatan para anggota, dan lain sebagainya. Sesi ini diakhiri dengan pembacaan do'a dari tiap-tiap perwakilan agama.

Perjalanan YA dimulai. Hal apa yang akan saya temui di jalan? Akan saya ceritakan di postingan berikutnya.