I'm Wearing My Heart on My Sleeve Today

 “Be his peace and shut the fuck up.”

…is the sentence that keeps replaying on my head over and over again. And it makes me go crazy. And I can’t shut it down.

I’ve been holding this weight in silence. So subtle at first that I didn’t even realize how heavy it had become. I thought I was doing the right thing, the loving thing. I thought being the calm in his storm was what love looked like.

Okay, long story short, I’m getting in a relationship with someone who lives so far away from me so you can say that we’re in a long distance relationship. So many ups and downs, we fought, we had arguments, we made up, the cycle continues.

I kept hearing this phrase everywhere: “Be his peace.” At first, it made sense to me. Life is hard. People are tired. Love should feel safe and soft, not stressful. He got a lot of problems to solve, he’s busy, he has so many goals to achieve. So I decided to be that person for him; his safe space, his comfort, his peace. Someone who he can go back to when life is becoming too much. Someone who can lessen the heavy weight out of his chest. I want to be his peace, when he’s losing his mind. I want him to say, I need her.

But I think I suck at this. I think I add more burdens into his life.

Every time I felt his energy change, even slightly, even just over text, I found myself shrinking. I don’t know if this can be called as a positive thing to be able to notice a slight energy change from someone. I notice and I’m becoming very upset. I started replaying our conversations over and over in my head, wondering if I had said too much, asked too much, been too much, or demanded too much. I blamed myself too much, too. I felt guilty for needing more time, more attention, more presence, and I hate being an overthinker who’s anxious all the time and this eats me up and I’m mentally exhausted. But I still can’t stop thinking about it.

Most of the time, I think maybe I’m the problem. Maybe I talk too much. Maybe I should just be quiet and give him space. He got so many things on his plate, he can’t possibly have another one on top of it. I convinced myself I was protecting our love by keeping my needs small. By staying quiet when something hurts me. By never bringing up my own discomfort, frustration, or sadness. I didn’t want to be one more person demanding something from him when he already has to carry the world on his shoulders. 

And maybe the scariest part is, I don’t even know how to stop. I don’t know how to unlearn the guilt. I don’t know how to tell him how I feel without fearing I’ll lose him. So I stay quiet. I say I’m fine. I try to be “chill.” And all the while, I’m quietly hurting. What about me? What about my peace? What about my voice? What about the way I carry my own stress, my own fears, my own need for love that feels mutual. Not managed?

I think I forgot that love isn’t just about being chosen. It’s about being seen, too. And I haven’t felt seen. Not really. Not when I’m hurt. Not when I’m confused or scared or aching quietly on the other side of the phone, trying not to say too much. I’ve been silencing my own heart in the name of “not being a burden.” I’ve been suppressing conflict, even when something in me was screaming to be acknowledged. I’ve been calling it “peace,” when what I really meant was: I’m scared he’ll pull away if I show him the full, messy, vulnerable parts of me. Some part of me internalized the idea that the quieter I am, the safer love will be. Deep down, I know exactly that this relationship is not healthy for a long term. I can't keep folding myself smaller just so someone else doesn’t feel overwhelmed. I can’t keep offering softness to someone who doesn’t ask me how I’m holding up. He doesn’t even ask what I’ve been up to today, what I did today, most of the time. I could ask him to mention 3 friends of mine that he knows, and he will not be able to answer.

Being in a long-distance relationship isn’t easy. We both know that. And I’m not saying this because I’m unhappy or trying to start a conflict, but because I care deeply about this relationship, and I want to make sure our connection stays strong and meaningful. I love our moments, the messages, the laughs, the playful teasing. He means a lot to me and I genuinely look forward to hearing from him every day. But I’ve noticed that emotionally, I tend to be the one reaching out more, expressing how I feel, saying “I love you” or “I miss you,” or opening up about what’s going on in my world. I just wish I could feel that energy reflected back a little more. I understand everyone expresses love differently. But emotional closeness really matters to me, especially because we’re so far apart physically. A message that goes a bit deeper, or just hearing how he’s really doing, or what he’s feeling. That kind of connection fills the gap the distance creates. I appreciate his efforts to check up on me everyday juts to say “Good morning/evening” but I hate that I keep giving him either “Have a nice day”, “Take care of yourself”, or “Sleep well”. I want to talk about trivial things too while texting when he doesn’t have time to call. And calling me once a day is a bare minimum, I need more. I miss us being more emotionally present. I miss being reminded that we’re still choosing each other intentionally, not just out of routine, but with heart. Communication and emotional intimacy are how I feel loved. I just want to feel like we're truly with each other, even across the distance.

I can’t keep sacrificing my emotional voice in the hope that silence will make me lovable. Because the truth is: I'm tired. Tired of overthinking every message. Tired of wondering if I’m annoying. Tired of walking on eggshells with someone I love. But I also cannot voice it out, scared that he might leave. I’m scared to lose him. I know there are some impossible elements in this relationship and it will eventually end. But once again, I’m not ready. Maybe I’m borderline stupid at this point. There’s no solution out of this problem, there’s no happy ending in this writing. You’ll probably think I would finish this writing with a paragraphs of closure, “No more headache, I’m decided to end this!” but unfortunately, I still love him a little too much. I juts write this down to make sure the future me reads this again and considers this relationship more, think logically, for once. But for now, this is what I can do. I need to be more patient, I’m going to mirror his energy, and makes him feel what he’s missing out. I will never like the idea of someone I love taking me for granted, and I hope he doesn’t take me for granted. Let’s just see.